-I wanted to wish you
a happy belated birthday. -Thank you so much.
-Yeah. -Four days late,
but nonetheless. Thank you.
-Uh, it was this past weekend? -Yeah, it was.
Yeah, it happened. -Do you enjoy birthdays, or… -No, no, no.
-No, you don’t. -I don’t enjoy mine. -No.
-No, no, no. I enjoy other people’s
birthdays, which happens every day, but I don’t enjoy
my own birthday. -No.
-No. -You never did, even as a kid?
-Never did. No, when I was a kid, I hated it
even more than I do now because, as a kid,
I just remember, like, the pressure of having
a birthday party — which I never had — because I was too nervous
about who I would choose — which friend I would choose
to sit next to me, and I didn’t want to have to be in the position of ranking
my friends like that, so I just opted
to never have a birthday party. -Oh, my gosh.
-I was so nervous to hurt somebody’s feelings.
-But what about family? Did family — Did you have
parties with family? -No, I sequestered myself
in the room and said, “I don’t want to have to choose which one of you
I like the most.” I think they knew, but I didn’t want to have
to explicitly say it. [ Laughter ] -But we talked once. You said your mom
was a clown at kids parties. -This is the great irony
of my life. My mom was was a bir– The shoemaker’s son
goes shoeless. The birthday party clown’s kid
goes birthday-less. -Did she never entertained
at your parties? -No, she didn’t entertain,
you know, because of nepotism, but, um… [ Laughter ] So, she would — one time —
I did have one birthday party — she used to barter
with the local magician. She said, “Okay, if you do
my son’s birthday party, I’ll perform at your kid’s
birthday party.” And so I had one birthday party, and, luckily, you don’t have
to choose where anybody sits ’cause it’s a magic —
you know, it’s a magic show, so you all just sit in a clump,
so that’s easy. But, you know,
because it was my birthday, he chose me to be,
like, his sexy assistant. You know what I mean?
I had to come up and be sawed in half
or pull the thing out of the hat or whatever
they’re doing, and, um — and I hated that, too,
because then, you know, you’re getting
the attention for that, and then my friends know I’m
better than them on that day. -Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no,
yeah, no, you don’t want that. You don’t want that at all. But, now,
Halloween is coming up, and I can just assume
you don’t appreciate that. -Also didn’t like that holiday.
-No, no, no, no, probably not. What would you do on Halloween? Would you, uh —
-Halloween, I just — -Just didn’t like the idea
of getting candy, or… -I hated the idea of getting
candy. I hated the idea
of trick-or-treating. I always just
thought it was, like, the least-efficient way
to get food, you know? You know, there were hunters,
you know, thousands and thousands of years got food more quickly than I did
going door to door getting, you know, fun-sized
Snickers bars. It’s just — I didn’t like doing it, and, um,
you know, I’m a manic person, so that kind of thing — this plotting thing
of going door to door to get something
that’s tiny is just… -Well, I asked you
to see if you can… -Yeah. -I asked you if you could give
us a photo or have your — ask your mom for a photo of you in one of your
Halloween costumes. -That’s right.
I asked my mom. I said, “I’m going
on the Jimmy Fallon show.” She loves you, by the way. I don’t know if
you’ve ever been told that somebody’s
mother loves you, but my mom loves you.
-Oh, thank you. I love that. -I imagine that’s like —
you must — you love that. Um, anyway.
-I love hearing that. -“Suburban woman
in New Jersey loves me?” But anyway…
-She came back. She gave us a photo of
one of your Halloween costumes. Can you explain —
uh, what are you dressed as? What is that?
-Yeah. -It doesn’t look like
much of a, uh, costume. -Also, the van should tell you everything you need to know
about my childhood. But, yes, I guess this was my
most elaborate Halloween costume according to my mother,
which is, like, a Dickensian hat and a — a de-threaded
basketball, I guess. You know, what is the basketball where it no longer
has the dots on it? That’s the one I had.
But, um, yeah. -That was your —
-…no grip. -That was your costume.
-That was my costume. -Pretty good.
-Yeah. -Probably no one else at school
was dressed like that. -No. No, no, no.
-No. You’re the only one. -Yeah, but, after tonight,
who knows? -It could catch on.
-Yeah. -Uh, I love your acting, but I also love your —
your writing, as well. You write very funny —
I’ve seen stories in New Yorker. -Yeah, thanks a lot. -They’re great.
-Oh, yeah, right. -Explain this.
What is this — this book? -Yes, this is a book that I’m just part
of a compilation of, including Nate Dern, one of your great writers here
is in it. Probably everybody who’s ever
written in the language or maybe even a different
language is in this book, ’cause it’s so huge. Yeah, if you can see it
on the side. -It’s a big book.
-Yeah, it’s biblical proportion. -Yeah, it’s a big book.
I-I-I have a book out, too. Let me see it.
-This is it here. “Baby” — Jimmy Fallon.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -Could we —
just out of curiosity, could we — could we —
could we compare font size? -Yeah, we can compare font size.
-Yeah. -Something tells me — Something tells me
yours is gonna… Yeah, here, so, small,
kind of modest 10-point. What do you have? These are “Baby”…
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figure for babies it’s good.
-Yeah. No zoom-in necessary.
-No, no, no. You don’t need — You can see it from far away. -Right, so, this is McSweeney’s.
This is started by — -I love McSweeney’s.
-And, uh, yeah, it’s all the best comedy writers
write for this, and, uh, it’s a wonderful book. Probably written by
1,000 environmentalists but wasting so much paper.
-Yeah. -You can buy it ironically. It’s a good book
if you like funny. -Yeah.
-Check it out.